After much nail-biting I have decided to go with blogspot.

There were pros and cons to each (I mean, wordpress just sounds better than blogspot). But in the end blogspot allows for more “creativeness” or should I say, personalization. And (this was a biggie) almost all the blogs I read are on blogspot and blogspot offers this awesome dashboard that helps you keep track of them and you can see when I new post appears or someone comments. That will cut down a lot of wasted time, so it was a deciding feature. I mean, less time on the internet? YES!
So, without further ado, let me introduce you to my NEW blog!!!
http://kattyraesblog.blogspot.com

YAY! =D

Hope to see you there!

I love wordpress, and have a loyalty thing…but blogger *my mistake, this should be blogspot* is easier to customize, even if they don’t have many blog templates. And because I’m considering moving my blog it makes me hesitate before posting, because I don’t want to waste posts…..It’s kinda not complicated, but I’m making it that way because I want it to be PERFECT. Anyone know what I mean? Of course you do, if it’s not in this area it’s in another.

But then if I move will I really finally get the look I want for my blog? I doubt it, I don’t think I will ever be satisfied….evidence in how often I change the name….I have some catchy names, but none manage to capture what my blog is about – or what it’s NOT about.

If anyone has anything to say for or against wordpress or blogger *again, blogspot*, now is the time to say it! Actually, I crave any advice or input you may have!

On a completely different note…..some friends have mentioned they noticed my photos were darker and wondered if that was taste, style, whatnot. I really didn’t notice it before, but after looking over the ones I’ve posted recently I have to agree. Yep, they are dark. I guess I just liked how they looked and all…just a matter of taste. But that got me wondering….and thinking….and I thought, What the hey, try something new!

So I’ve looked up some “lighter” photos….sorta lighter….

Last, but not least, proof that we are not angels over here….

So, now that I notice it, it kinda bothers me. I think I will challenge myself and see if I can branch out and discover different personal “sweet spots” for lighting. =)

Severances

If I could turn tears to words,
if I could figure–at least outline–
the shadow of Eden flung over our hearts,
and all the hopeless hopings entertained after her fall,
and all the thousand smaller fallings
in that one long drop . . .
then I could explain how much I long for you,
and how much I don’t.

Barn Swallow

Those last two lines have really stuck with me, they explain so much…it was like a light-bulb going off in my head, this war between flesh and spirit that is constantly waged in my soul! ……then I could explain how much I long for you,
and how much I don’t.

read more of her writing here, at her blog called “Our Place”.

I can’t deny that I want it, don’t we all? It is slightly a sore spot for me. I am finding it’s a sore spot of many ladies. There are precious few of us who like what they see staring back at them in the mirror.

About 18 months ago I finally, truly, decided that I did like my face. I could live with it. Before my main complaint was a long nose and hair the color of….well frankly, even to today I’m not sure what color it is. Odd brown? dirtier than dirty blond? Does it matter? It did. But finally it really didn’t. I realized I’d miss my face. When God created and formed me He didn’t do it in a dark room just to find He made some horrible mistake as soon as He turned on the light. He choose this for me -not as punishment but as a gift. He calls me wonderful. And complaining about it was…..conceited, to put it lightly. I can even remember where I was when this truth finally penatrated to my heart. I was in the laundryroom, pulling clothes out of the dryer one by one and folding them. I suddenly thought, I actually wouldn’t change how God made me. I was born this way for a reason. I’m perfectly content to be a plain Jane…plain Jane’s have a special type of beauty after all… But the stinger was the thought that came next.

But God did not make me with acne. That’s not supposed to be there.

I can honestly say that for half my life I have struggled with acne. For 11 years it’s been there. And believe me when I say that I’ve heard 11 years worth of remedies. Not that I mind it, though it does weary me to an extent. I feel like I’ve heard it all. “Wash your face more” “Don’t eat this” “Eat that”  “Use this pill”  “Be more confident. It’s a sign of self-loathing.” “Try this topical medicine” “Wear make-up” “Arrive there spiritually -your face is a mirror of your soul”, etc. That last one is particularly irksome. If you are one of those people who believe that, do me a favor by sticking your face into a beehive and then I will admit your face reflects your soul…Ok, be nice and scratch that out. I’ve actually haven’t heard many mean comments about my face…there’s the occasional curious kid who says “What’s that?”. But how were they to know that’s a taboo subject? I lived in hope of the day that my rocky teenage years would end, subsequently ending my acne worries.

In my mind’s eye I would be writing a post about the struggle, ending on the dream cure. In reality I write about the struggle and end with what I now know about beauty. I hit 20 a few years ago and it hasn’t gone anywhere. There’s a temptation to be hurt and bitter. A young woman, by right, is supposed to bloom, not wilt. She’s supposed to enjoy her beauty before it fades away into her gray years. Why was I cheated out of that?
I know that I was not “cheated” out of anything. Though it’s still a hard pill to swallow.

They say that beauty is on the inside, right? And it’s true. But it doesn’t bring much satisfaction to a gal sitting outside.

“For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.”
Psalm 149:4

So what, you get saved and suddenly POOF! you’re pretty? No, my beauty is my salvation. This is what makes me beautiful, even if not seen with physical eyes. 
I’ve done a lot of studying about beauty. But all the verses about God’s beauty, our beauty, and what beauty is (good, eternal vs temporal), were completely knocked out of the arena when I read a simple passage that didn’t even refer to beauty. It refered to a Savior yet to be born.

“For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, And like a root out of parched ground;
He has no stately form or majesty That we should look upon Him,
Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.
Isaiah 53:3

Paul’s words came back to me, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.“

This is not saying that if you have good looks your not imitating Christ. It’s to say that how you look doesn’t necessarily correlate with where you are spiritually (how we present ourselves is, however.). It’s to say that beauty is one thing, but physical appearance is another. Yes, I do want healthy skin. Yes, I do work towards it. Yes, I do dislike the fact that I’ve worn acne on my face every single day for 11 years of my life. But when all is said and done, I guess it just makes me look a little more like my Savior.
I can live with that.

The real question is:
Will I wait until my acne disappears to be beautiful?

I’ve always struggled with figuring out “joy” in the midst of trials. I know that joy versus happiness is that joy doesn’t depend on your circumstances. I know about joy theologically. When trails come I know that joy should be there, but I don’t know HOW joy is supposed to look like at those times. Is it a smiley, carefree countenance? I am very familiar with the joy that accompanies knowing my Savior, particularly when things are all hunky-dory, but what about this other stuff? Is it a serious joy? Or bubble-headed?
I’ve been around enough people who have had major trials in their life (I’m talking, bigger-than-paper-cuts-with-lemon-juice-sqeezed-on-it trials.) So many things are happening that “the joy of the Lord” during troubled times is no longer just a question I have in the back of my mind. It’s a goal for today. For everyday. I grapple with it, I ask God, what does it mean? how do I have it?

Today the question was in the back of my mind when suddenly my brain tuned into words which through the airwaves in the car.

“When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.“

When these troubles are eclipsed by His glory and we fix our gaze on Jesus, that’s when we see how much He loves us. And that’s when we have true joy. The troubles, the afflictions, the trials are still there, they haven’t gone anywhere, but our focus is shifted. This joy may not be a jumping-leaping-singing joy (or it may), more often than not it is a quiet, peaceful, let-me-rest-in-You,-my-True-Joy type of joy.
It is sweet.
That is my Monday Epiphany.

The LORD your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

Zephaniah 3:17

~The Abashed Miss Steele (Sense and Sensibility)

You know how it is….your going about your ordinary-everyday….stuff, when something that has been nagging you in the back of your mind jumps to the forefront and shouts, “HERE I AM!”. That’s when I usually think I’ve connected the dots between two separate coincidences. In that moment I just know that I’ve just aced Sherlock Holmes. And everybody knows a Sherlock need his Watson to “reveal all” to.  And really, it’s not hard to find a woman who isn’t all ears…because that’s one of our strong and weak points. In this case it’s the latter.

Today it happened to me while I was playing piano. I don’t know, it could have been just procrastination, but I could have sworn a little bulb appeared above my head. I wonder if….That would explain *random incident #1* and *completely different incident #2*! I jumped up to see if any other females in the household had come to the same conclusion (surely they had!) but caught myself just before blurting out my worthless piece of non-information.

It’s just easy, isn’t it? One of my brother’s mottoes is “Don’t gossip!”, even though he doesn’t know it. It’s the piece of advice (putting it lightly) that I will probably always remember. What I had to say had no foundation save some unlucky chance and a worried conclusion.

Sometimes we just have to put a clamp over our mouths, but that’s so hard to do because I still think it. It’s a battle of the mind with consequences in the mouth. Imaginations gone wild, how to tame them?

But I find it hard to entertain those thoughts when I settle in with my Savior. In the light of His truth it’s so hard to keep thinking of things that have a very random possibility of being true….no matter how much I want to be prepared.

“What if she said that because she wanted me to catch on to…..”
“Kattyrae.”
“Or perhaps she said that because last week he….”
“Kattyrae.”
“I know!!! It must be that…”
“Kattyrae.”
“What?”
“CEASE striving and know that I AM GOD……”

]]> http://beholdinghisglory.wordpress.com/2011/05/10/on-the-tip-of-the-tongue/feed/ 0 kattyrae DSC_0606.coopy http://beholdinghisglory.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/3134/ http://beholdinghisglory.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/3134/#comments Sat, 07 May 2011 04:41:01 +0000 kattyrae http://beholdinghisglory.wordpress.com/?p=3134 ]]>

I want to impress you.
I want to write things of value.
I want you to read and think “Wow! No really, WOW!!”
I want to affect your life in some positive way, all while patting my back.
I want to have it all together for you. The know-how, the perfect model.

Don’t feed the ego signs are posted all around my path of life.  Thankfully, the sources by which I attempt to satisfy this craving come up dry.

Then I realize that I am this small, and live an unimpressive life. I have a lot to say though. Of course, everyone does. But for someone so small and so insignificant and so immature, maybe I can praise Him yet. Maybe I can somehow move beyond myself and into Him. Somehow I will be most fulfilled, more purposeful, and truly happy, when I am decreasing while He increases. That’s the facts, up straight, up front. I’m not a “colossal giant” with great wisdom and maturity to share. More than likely this is just another thing to read in your day. I wish it wasn’t. But what I wish is not always what I am, so I quietly wait. Hoping that somehow God can move beyond me and give you what you need….what am I thinking? How in the world could I give you anything that you need? I can’t. But I know a God who can. He’s willing and waiting.

That’s a comforting thought…that God waits too.
He isn’t asking me to do something that He doesn’t do constantly.
I’ve been so sick and tired of waiting of late. Waiting for when I’m mature. Waiting for when I actually have something to give. Waiting for Him to move.  I wait, but He’s already been waiting and will continue to wait. I find that….soothing to my broken spirit. His patience is my balm.

You have been privy to some smolderings of mine.
Smoldering: A pondering of the heart or mind which continues until consumed leaving either ashes or a phoenix.
Made that definition up on the spot. It’s not what the word really means, but that’ s what I mean by it.

And count the patience of our Lord as salvation
2 Peter 3:15a

The wedding is actually at 6:00 a.m. not 3:00. Opps, my mistake! But it’s sort of like the super-bowl, it has a huge pre-game show! Most of it is just hours of creating hype for the whole affair. Right now we are hearing about the dress. I get so lost in “fashion talk”, the names they are throwing around are all greek to me. Oh, now we are on to hats, a little more interesting. =)
So, if I’m watching the pre-wedding show, why am I on my computer? Well, there are these things called commercials….also my brain is too foggy to recognize some of the names I know I’m supposed. Google is a great substitute for that, I hear….Oh look, there goes Elton John! I spotted him before the anchors did! *Triumphant dance* (Actually I didn’t do a “triumphant dance’, I am sitting on my the couch, too lazy to get up. Though food sounds nice).

I suppose I’ll leave off now….wow, I wish I looked like Anne Curry….

Cheers!

Monday: the bees decided to swarm. My first thoughts were one begrudging their bad scheduling, but then I thought hey, when IS it a good today for them to do this? Better day than tomorrow. After getting my attitude adjusted I’d decided I catch the swarm. After all it was a very easy set up. Instead of choosing a fence post (as in the past), a building, or even a tall tree, they picked a tiny cedar nearby which I could easily cut down and dump into the hive. Then the other hive swarmed. I decided I’d only catch one since it appeared we only had enough hive boxes for one swarm. I decided to go for the second one because it was near the hives and a bigger swarm. After preparing their new home, Reed and I suited up and went to work. Hope came a long with the camera…I may post the video later. =) I was so ecstatic that I had FINALLY done it! Years of  “puttering” around with the bees and I really hadn’t had the go-ahead to do anything big (like robbing honey, taking care of swarms, or placing a stick of dynamite in their hive).  Believe me I was shouting and almost dancing. I almost made it a national holiday…”almost” because I actually do not have the power to make it a national holiday. Later I was trying to get the hive ready for the first swarm when I noticed the it was missing. But it didn’t faze me much, after all, I got one swarm and that was enough to make my day. Fast forward to the evening when I go down to check on my new hive. Gone. All gone. I forgot to block the front door. One of the sickest, teariest feelings you will ever feel in your gut about tiny little insects. I decided that they were drab little creatures, and who needs them anyway? Sigh.

Tuesday. Evening went fine. Nothing very memorable about it. Other than that night I wrote over 700 words. Let me back up. I have decided to try shooting for writing 3500 words a week, blog posts count. Sunday I got a blog post. Monday I wrote 600, and then Tuesday. The thing is, writing usually happens at night after all the hub-bub of normal life settles down. And the thing is I am not a night owl and don’t do so well with late hours. And the thing is when that little box popped up that says “Would you like to save changes before you exit?” and I decided that I actually didn’t want to exit, I clicked “no” instead of “cancel” . Gone. All Gone. I was too tired to be terribly upset. Though my sisters did hear my wail from their room. Don’t let my appearance deceive you, I can be a very vocal person.

Then yesterday. Things went well. Very well. Yes, not everything got done, as we were hiding from Tornadoes and then lost our power. Houses and towns were being torn apart, what would happen to us? There. All there. ,We were fine nothing on our farm was missing…other than the bees I lost on Monday. God protected us greatly amidst much destruction.

So today things have been going slow. A lot of catching up to do and I find myself here, writing. Is this really important? What am I doing?  Quieting my soul, refocusing on God. Amazingly that happens whenever I “just write”. Not venting, not blabbing (even when it may look that way).

So, here’s the important part (so I hope that you made it this far!) that I want to run by you….I’m thinking of starting up a little series. It won’t last long, and I should have started it a few weeks ago. But maybe I should fill you in. A lot of young girls (and guys, but I don’t necessarily care about you….not that I don’t care, it’s just this blog doesn’t pertain to you. So great if you’re reading, please try not to laugh) are graduating this year. Hearing their hopes and dreams and plans is…bittersweet. I love it. I love being let into their lives. And I wish I could go back to that stage of my life knowing what I know now. When I graduated I knew of girls staying at home as an alternative to college, and I knew 2 girls who actually were doing it. Now there are more girls embracing the vision and getting excited about it, and I like that. When I graduated I wanted a girl who actually had years at home to help me. But no one had done it (excepting a lovely lady who stayed at home 1 year before getting into a relationship and then marrying) and survived. I had no idea what would be trails and where my weak points would be; how to stay focused on God, not on the home. So, I propose that I write a little bit on that, just for a little while. A mini-series. I don’t want to stay stuck on that because frankly this is not what this blog is about. And I want to say upfront this is NOT stay at home vs college. This about staying at home if that is the path God has you on. Don’t ever try to override God.

Topics that I would tackle would be….well, I don’t know exactly what the “topics” would be, but I do know somethings I want to run over. Focus would be one. The first one would be an introduction to why (really why) I, Kattyrae, stay at home. That makes me nervous because I really haven’t shared that with many people. One of my besties was actually surprised, which made me surprised in return because I thought it was SO obvious. And maybe it is, maybe you’ll see. So, I’m sorta grappling whether to even tackle this. If it’s important or not…I don’t want to come across as a person trying to guilt-trip or rope you into choosing a different route than college or a paying job (is there a different route, really?).  I think college is great and so are jobs, really I do. BUT if God has you on a different path I don’t want you to feel alone. So help me out here!